Sunday, 8 September 2013

Dr Christian Jessen

noun. dok-tur-kris-tee-un-jes-sen



Medical doctor and TV presenter. Star of six seasons of Embarrassing Bodies and innumerable rounds of embarrassing tweets. Dispenses medical advice and opinions from his Twitter feed, usually in CAPITAL LETTERS for added gravitas.

Dr Jessen has also starred in various other TV shows, such as Supersize vs Superskinny, in which he ventures into the world of eating disorders. He has been keen to ensure such topics are being handled in a socially responsible way.


He also shows a compassionate bedside manner when engaging with people who have lived experience of such conditions.



Dr Jessen is also something of a one-man Twitterstorm generator, due to his habit of retweeting any criticisms to his 265,000 followers. This tends to be exacerbated by the fact that this is 265,000 of the kind of people who view shows like Embarrassing Bodies as edgy and challenging.

"Holy crap! Inverted nipples!"


The good doctor also tends to use his Twitter feed to rail against what he calls "faux-feminists". This is despite the fact that feminism is a topic where Dr Jessen is...shall we say....somewhat out of his depth. In fact, if he were any more out of his depth James Cameron would send out a submersible. As a result, exchanges tend to take place along these lines:

Dr Jessen: "False rape allegations are abhorrent!"

Intersectionalist: "Actually, false rape allegations are very rare in proportion to genuine ones."

Dr Jessen: "Yes, I know they're rare, but they're also abhorrent."

Intersectionalist: "And I know they're abhorrent, but they're also rare."

Dr Jessen: "You silly little girl! Don't you know that false rape allegations are abhorrent as well as rare?"

Intersectionalist: "You rape apologist! Don't you know that false rape allegations are rare as well as abhorrent?"

To be continued, for approximately three days. Various tweeting intersectionalists and feminists will all pile into the argument. In return, Dr Jessen's fans will also pile on, until the whole thing starts to resemble a 140-character version of the battle scenes in 300. Only more cartoonish.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

The Thermonuclear Full Stop

punctuation mark. thurr-moh-nuh-cle-uh-ful-stop

Addition of a single full stop before somebody's @username on Twitter. Has the effect of turning a one-on-one conversation into something broadcast to somebody's entire feed.

The technique was pioneered by an early intersectionalist, who had been walking down the street mulling over how to find a style of communication that would effectively bring intersectionalism to the masses. At this point two kappa-clad individuals suddenly started having a screaming row in the street, one outlining the hypothesis that, Our Karen Heard From That Sophie That You Been Chatting Shit And Acting Like You're All That With Your Attitude And Your New Car.


A prototypical intersectionalist Twitterstorm

Having heard this frank (and rather high-volume) exchange of theoretical ideas, the intersectionalist went home, logged onto Twitter, and added a full stop before the @. And then the proposal was made that, Our Stavvers Heard From That Sazza_Jay That You Been Cisplaining And Being All Problematic With Your Privilege And Your Platform.

And the intersectionalist saw that it was good. Well, good for a bundle anyway.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

MRA

noun. emm-arrr-ay

Mens Rights Activist. A peculiar species of creature, generally found howling obscenities within their natural habitat, usually Reddit or the Family Court. Claims to be oppressed by women, possibly because no woman in their right mind would ever go near them.

Characteristics of the MRA include:

- Masturbating on a more frequent daily basis than the average bonobo chimp.
- Lack of awareness that when Ben Folds sang, "Y'all don't know what it's like, being male, middle-class and white", he was being ironic.

- Angry denunciations of their ex-wives, insisting that their value as a father is not appreciated, while being unable to give a satisfactory answer as to why the court has ordered them to have supervised contact with their kids.
- Long rants about the evil oppression of the legal system while simultaneously firing out vexatious police complaints and lawsuits against anyone who displeases them.
- Dismissing any men who fail to share their view of the world as "manginas".
- Claiming to be "the civil rights movement you've never heard of" while showing their regard for other civil rights movements by peppering their online posts with sexist, racist and homophobic insults.
- Providing an endless supply of unintentional comedy material for the Manboobz blog.

MRAs may possibly become an endangered species, not least because they tend to procreate less often than the average panda.

Tone Policing

verb. tohn-poh-lees-ing

This is a ploy used by certain privileged individuals to gaslight others with oppressive, silencing statements such as, "Will you stop swearing at me please?" and, "Actually, that's quite spectacularly defamatory." Such statements ignore the existence of an external Oppression-o-Meter, for which scores of over 100 entitles the holder to be as rude and obnoxious as they like. Scores of over 300 permit the individual to wilfully misinterpret tweets into what they imagine someone said. This goes up to a score of 1000, above which the bearer has legal immunity to kick a puppy to death on YouTube.

Historical examples of tone policing include,

Martin Luther King

Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg

This Baptistsplainer utterly failed to take into account the privilege accorded to him as a media personality with a large platform. This prompted him to come out with tone-policing statements such as, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Whatever did comments like that achieve, eh?

Gautama Buddha



Initially he made some commendable attempts to check his privilege, venturing beyond his palace walls to witness an old man, a sick person, a corpse and an ascetic, prompting him to leave the palace for good in search of ally cookies. Unfortunately he then degenerated into enlightenedsplaining and tone policing with his "Middle Way" and "Eightfold Path". He persisted with this despite the best efforts of Mara to call him out. Eventually he flounced not just from the discussion from the entire Wheel of Samara. Smug enlightened twat.


Friday, 30 August 2013

#killallmen

non sequitur. cil-lawl-menn

As is well-known, if there's one thing that's frowned on in intersectionalist circles, it's a pedantic, over-literal interpretation of linguistic statements. And if there's one thing that's really frowned-upon, it's hyper-sensitive howls of outrage about such linguistic issues. Therefore we're absolutely amazed that some touchy idiots have taken offence about the hashtag #killallmen. They seem to think that when we say #killallmen we mean, "kill all men"; or, "Men. Kill them. You know, all of them."

We also stress the importance of not casually flinging about statements that might be triggering to people who have experienced abuse or trauma. Obviously #killallmen is fine in that regard, because at no point in history have any men had to face up to a threat of being killed. Apart from gay men, obviously. And transgender men. And Muslim men. Jewish men. Men who've fled conflict zones as refugees. Men who've been conscripted into wars they barely understand the politics of. Men who have the temerity to be Catholic in the wrong part of Belfast. Men who have the temerity to be Protestant in the wrong part of Belfast. Men who look the wrong way at some guy in the pub.....Other than that, absolutely no men have cause to fear meeting a violent death.

It's obvious that statements have meanings that can't be interpreted in a literal way. For example, the other day Helen Lewis tweeted, "I'm just going to make a cup of tea." Clearly this actually meant, "I am a racist, transphobic privileged bigot who hates feminism and I kick small babies to death." In order to be helpful to her and aid her understanding, we spent several hours piling-on to her, until she ungratefully declined our kind, constructive criticisms by flouncing. No, we don't understand the basics of defamation law.

So, as is clear to see, #killallmen is our invitation to male allies. Hang around with us and we will delight you with threats of murder! It's also intended to be fun and welcoming to those who are transgendered or have non-binary gender identities. See how impressed this genderqueer person is with #killallmen!


Ultimately, it's just an ironic statement that isn't meant to be taken seriously. Kind of like Valerie Solanis' SCUM Manifesto that she wrote before ironically shooting Andy Warhol with sarcastic bullets.

[Note: this is a serious post, but there's a parody version of it here.]

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Flounce

verb. flow-nse

A heinous act by certain privileged individuals who believe that they have the right to not post on Twitter for a while. It's not as if you haven't been reasonable. You've called them a bitch, a troll, a racist, a transphobe and an utter disablist shitlord. Just to make it clear how keen you were to engage with them on the topic, you've even enlisted a few hundred of your closest friends to constantly send them tweets with the same message. But no, rather than stick around to listen to you telling them what an evil person they are, they've decided to log out and go and do something else! Like, gardening or going to work or something trivial like that.

Flouncing is an act that has a long history. For example, there's the Biblical Flounce out of Egypt.



This is when Moses and all his Twitter followers threw a strop over being called out by the Pharoah over his "Messenger of God" privilege, flouncing off to find their own social media network.

Then there's Napoleon's epic Flounce from Moscow.



A tantrum they had to throw over hundreds of miles, running the gauntlet of several hostile Tumblrs.

And of course, who could forget the Dunkirk flounce.



Thousands of British and French mansplainers, enduring constant bombardment by the Luftwaffe with Ally Cookies.

Caitlin Moran

noun. kay-tlinn moor-ann

1. Times columnist and author of the bestselling How To Be a Woman. Has been criticised at times for somewhat careless and un-PC use of language, much of which has been subsequently clarified and/or retracted. Otherwise tends to be pretty inoffensive and often quite funny and insightful.
2. Evil Queen of Feminists, who was appointed into this role by the Kyriarchy Central Committee. Rules over Twitter from a hidden underground bunker from which she sends out her privilege-bots to destroy intersectionality. She is responsible for at least 3 different strains of impetigo. She shot the sheriff. She also shot the deputy. She stuck around in St Petersburg, when she saw it was a time for a change. Killed the Czar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain. She was the mysterious figure on the Grassy Knoll. She shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. She caused the Credit Crunch, climate change, the war in Syria and a number of earthquakes.
3. THAT COWBAG who got a Times column and a bestselling book when I didn't! NO FAIR!


[n.b. Any suggestion that 2 could translate into 3 is clearly a piece of gaslighting by the Kyriarchy]

Baron Ironblood 1
Caitlin Moran preparing to write another problematic Times column