Friday, 30 August 2013

#killallmen

non sequitur. cil-lawl-menn

As is well-known, if there's one thing that's frowned on in intersectionalist circles, it's a pedantic, over-literal interpretation of linguistic statements. And if there's one thing that's really frowned-upon, it's hyper-sensitive howls of outrage about such linguistic issues. Therefore we're absolutely amazed that some touchy idiots have taken offence about the hashtag #killallmen. They seem to think that when we say #killallmen we mean, "kill all men"; or, "Men. Kill them. You know, all of them."

We also stress the importance of not casually flinging about statements that might be triggering to people who have experienced abuse or trauma. Obviously #killallmen is fine in that regard, because at no point in history have any men had to face up to a threat of being killed. Apart from gay men, obviously. And transgender men. And Muslim men. Jewish men. Men who've fled conflict zones as refugees. Men who've been conscripted into wars they barely understand the politics of. Men who have the temerity to be Catholic in the wrong part of Belfast. Men who have the temerity to be Protestant in the wrong part of Belfast. Men who look the wrong way at some guy in the pub.....Other than that, absolutely no men have cause to fear meeting a violent death.

It's obvious that statements have meanings that can't be interpreted in a literal way. For example, the other day Helen Lewis tweeted, "I'm just going to make a cup of tea." Clearly this actually meant, "I am a racist, transphobic privileged bigot who hates feminism and I kick small babies to death." In order to be helpful to her and aid her understanding, we spent several hours piling-on to her, until she ungratefully declined our kind, constructive criticisms by flouncing. No, we don't understand the basics of defamation law.

So, as is clear to see, #killallmen is our invitation to male allies. Hang around with us and we will delight you with threats of murder! It's also intended to be fun and welcoming to those who are transgendered or have non-binary gender identities. See how impressed this genderqueer person is with #killallmen!


Ultimately, it's just an ironic statement that isn't meant to be taken seriously. Kind of like Valerie Solanis' SCUM Manifesto that she wrote before ironically shooting Andy Warhol with sarcastic bullets.

[Note: this is a serious post, but there's a parody version of it here.]

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Flounce

verb. flow-nse

A heinous act by certain privileged individuals who believe that they have the right to not post on Twitter for a while. It's not as if you haven't been reasonable. You've called them a bitch, a troll, a racist, a transphobe and an utter disablist shitlord. Just to make it clear how keen you were to engage with them on the topic, you've even enlisted a few hundred of your closest friends to constantly send them tweets with the same message. But no, rather than stick around to listen to you telling them what an evil person they are, they've decided to log out and go and do something else! Like, gardening or going to work or something trivial like that.

Flouncing is an act that has a long history. For example, there's the Biblical Flounce out of Egypt.



This is when Moses and all his Twitter followers threw a strop over being called out by the Pharoah over his "Messenger of God" privilege, flouncing off to find their own social media network.

Then there's Napoleon's epic Flounce from Moscow.



A tantrum they had to throw over hundreds of miles, running the gauntlet of several hostile Tumblrs.

And of course, who could forget the Dunkirk flounce.



Thousands of British and French mansplainers, enduring constant bombardment by the Luftwaffe with Ally Cookies.

Caitlin Moran

noun. kay-tlinn moor-ann

1. Times columnist and author of the bestselling How To Be a Woman. Has been criticised at times for somewhat careless and un-PC use of language, much of which has been subsequently clarified and/or retracted. Otherwise tends to be pretty inoffensive and often quite funny and insightful.
2. Evil Queen of Feminists, who was appointed into this role by the Kyriarchy Central Committee. Rules over Twitter from a hidden underground bunker from which she sends out her privilege-bots to destroy intersectionality. She is responsible for at least 3 different strains of impetigo. She shot the sheriff. She also shot the deputy. She stuck around in St Petersburg, when she saw it was a time for a change. Killed the Czar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain. She was the mysterious figure on the Grassy Knoll. She shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. She caused the Credit Crunch, climate change, the war in Syria and a number of earthquakes.
3. THAT COWBAG who got a Times column and a bestselling book when I didn't! NO FAIR!


[n.b. Any suggestion that 2 could translate into 3 is clearly a piece of gaslighting by the Kyriarchy]

Baron Ironblood 1
Caitlin Moran preparing to write another problematic Times column